Some of you know and some don’t, but yesterday was my birthday. Number 42. Such a beautiful number, especially for fans of Douglas Adams and his Hitchhiker’s Guide. Now I know the answer to the ultimate question, but I still need to find out what that question is.
August 13 is a fun date. I used to believe it was the best possible date for one’s birthday. Sometimes I still do. I was 13 on Friday (the 13th obviously). 30 too. While I have absolutely no memory of the 13th (probably it went well, I survived and nobody was hurt), I remember the 30th vividly. At least the end of it.
I wanted to live so badly, but I also wanted to end my life.
I don’t want to go into details, I have a book coming out soon, describing that day. I had a massive birthday party planned. My second book - Manični poet (Manic Poet) was supposed to be published. I was so pumped I couldn’t bare it anymore. I went into a full-manic mode. I thought I could create wind with my hands. I thought I could teleport. I swallowed a handful of pills in front of my mother. I wanted to live so badly, but I also wanted to end my life.
I was lucky. Again. The psychiatric ward wasn’t fun. I was strapped for 11 days. Longer than the Slovenian Independence War. Part of me died on that hospital bed. But part of me didn’t and was able to sing Tubthumping by Chumbawamba. I got knocked down but I got up again.
It was the greatest gift she could receive. Her only child was stable again.
I was in a hospital for five months. It doesn’t mean that I was there all the time, I had so-called weekend exits, and open-ward isn’t that bad. But I yearned for freedom and got it in January 2011, around my mother’s 50th birthday. It was the greatest gift she could receive. Her only child was stable again. Stable, yes. Cured, no.
Birthdays are fun and should be celebrated in a way that makes you happy. If you want to celebrate by yourself, that’s perfectly fine. If you want a huge party, that’s perfect too. It’s your birthday. Don’t be afraid to express your wishes. I don’t like big parties, so I invite close family over to our place. We eat some cake and drink some good wine. We talk like we always do when we meet. I like it that way. If you like lying on the couch, binge-watching your favorite series, do it. Your day, your rules. There is no right or wrong.
Do or do not. There is no try.
The tattoo on my right arm says “Live Laugh Love”. It’s there because it’s a reminder. It’s there because I need to be reminded that that’s what life is all about. I’m still grumpy, but at least not all of the time. I live and I try. But when I’ll be a Jedi Knight, I’ll do what master Yoda taught me. I’ll do or do not for there is no try.