I know I haven’t been around for a while and I apologize for that. A lot of things were going on, and a lot of thoughts went through my mind. It’s not just this blog, I haven’t written a thing for almost two months.

Why? Let’s call it a self-esteem issue. Every now and then I convince myself I’m not good enough. Luckily I’m surrounded by people who show me the way back to the things I love doing.

Life happens when you least expect it. It’s a cliché, I know, but that doesn’t make it any less true. Sometimes good things happen, sometimes it hurts like hell. Whilst the latter is usually good for writing, I often find myself in a world somewhere in between. There’s a lot of everything, but also a myriad of nothing. It’s hard to explain really.

I catch myself imagining I’m a broken sailboat. I sail through days and weeks and years on autopilot. I know what I’m doing is harmful to me and to the people I love. But I do it anyway.

gray sailboat sailing — Photo by Nicole Chen on Unsplash

There used to be times when I could define myself as bipolar. I can’t even do that anymore. I can still feel the disorder, it’s still here. Actually, it’s messing with me on a whole new level, by letting me be in control. I’m not used to it anymore. It’s like all doors are suddenly open and I’m afraid to walk through any of them. So I stay put.

Life happens.
Shit happens.
Nothing happens.

So what am I going to do about it? Probably I’m going to start by confronting some of my fears. I lost my fear of shopping (stop laughing) a while ago and (partly) elevators. There are plenty of others to choose from. Fear of talking to strangers for example. Fear of rejection. Fear of not being good enough. Fear of becoming like my father.

Quite a few songs have gone through my earphones while I was writing the lines you’re reading. So let me conclude this post with the one we all know …

“Things are gonna change, I can feel it.” ~ Beck, Loser

Manic Droid

I'm a broken sailboat but that's OK